right now i'm sooo stressed and about to cry first of all i tried to study for math but it didin't work so now i'm wondering if I can even make it right now because I dont' know what i wanna do for the rest of my life. I have to finish revising my paper b/c it's shitty and I feel like there is sooo much to do with homework I can't handle all this I thought this semseter would be better but it's even harder probably becuase i'm on academic warning there's more pressure now to pass so i can keep my financial aid and stay in the school that i really didn't want to go in the first place. i'm tired and my stomach doesn't feel right becuase i had to scarf down a chicken wrap and walk a 1/2 a mile to meet my adivsor to tell me that i need to pick up my GPA!!! Why god why me why must it be me that always makes mistakes i want to be perfect like my sister sooo bad i want to be appreciated now and then i want to feel like i can make a difference in my life. I want to know what my purpose is in this life. I don't know i have to make myself do all these things and there's still something inside of me that's anit everything i do. Like today I went to work and my boss scolded me because i went to work late i mean i couldn't help it what was i supposed to tell her that i can't drive becuase i was too damn lazy to take the drivers ed. test so i can't drive and my parents care so much about my grades they think i souldn't take my job seriously she wouldn't get it she wouldn't understand she dosen't understand what i'm going through right now sometimes i just feel like sleeping forever and wake up to a whole new world, new situation something like that. Well today i took a stand aganist myself i'm turning a new leaf i went to the tutorial center today to sign up for tutors that can help me with my work and not only that but i'm going back to christ because when i was with christ everything just seemed so much easier and just thinking about this makes me want to cry becuase there was a time that i would talk to him everyday and i knew he was listening now i feel ashamed becuase i wanted to everything my way in college and now it's bitten me in the butt. I'm trying to stop cursing and drinking and smoking i tried all of this in college because these were things i saw people do in high school and i thought they were having more fun then me. But WRONG! I know why people take drugs and that's to blot out problems ya know what i loved to drink once i loved not always thinking about my pressured life for just a minute but the worst part is the next day because you have that miserable life plus the thought of you trying to drown it out and that just makes it even harder to get by. I want to thank my parents for letting me know Jesus becuase right now i would probably die by alcohol posining. So yeah i'm also trying to work out at this gym now because i want to feel good inside not by taking drugs but physically looking good so i can feel good in the inside too and boost my self-esteem. Now i have to finish my chemistry webassign so i can start on something else other than that i'm happy for tommorow becuase i'm trying to get my life straightened out because it hasn't been straight for a long time.

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