It's funny don't you think how I am still in the same jumble as my last entry and that was a month ago. I don't know I feel like I can't feel anymore I want to feel so bad I need to breathe I need to find something that makes me happy again that makes me believe i'm making a difference in this world I dunno I'm just thinking. Lately I keep having these feelings like i'm going down the wrong path and I don't know what to do like I need to be on the stage & fail b4 starting med school. I just need to get out of this state I want to go to a big place where no one knows me and I can start a life of my own. Do i want man??? no not really I don't want anything bound to me it's like i would be with my parents again. I hate my mom so much u have no I idea she's given marraige and a realtionship for me bad vision. I feel like when I am in a relationship I have to be perfect and that's not what I am & to me that makes me feel so weak & I hate that so much. I just finished watching a movie called the secret life of poppie lee it's really good I especially love the realtionship between the mother and daughter I really saw myself in that role constantly hating my mom for giving me a false pretense of what a realtionsip is and never really getting to know her. I am an adult now & I still know very little about my mom don't u think that is werid it's the other day when I found out how old she is why couldn't she tell me when I wanted to know I resent her for that sooo much. She never told me that I have to be perfect and being who I am is good enough she never told me that ever. I feel like I constantly have to be perfect because of her and I resent her for that. I'M NOT FUCKIN PERFECT I'M JUST ME...I'M JUST ME & she and everyone else in thie fuckin' world has to deal with it. Now do i want a boyfriend NO! I just want to fuck yes fuck I want to see how it feels like but I need to be w/ someone @ a personal level to feel comfortable to do it. Do I have someone in mind yes I do and this person has been a good friend of mine for a while now & I feel that this person is a right suitor. Now that I am older i'm starting to feel that a lot of these things I was taught in school & church is based on social norms and now that I see it it really bothers me ...it really does. Will I get my degree like what my family wants me to do ?? YES they've worked this hard for it they might as well get it. After that will i do whatever the fuck i want to do YES b/c @ the end of the day it's my fuckin' life and there is nothing they can do about it!!! Being bogged down with all this science work is making me crazy I love science don't get me wrong but geez I keep asking myself is this all worth it is not having a social life worth it in the end. I would rather have my degrees than ending up as a stay-@-home mom, or country club moms that I see all the time. They are not respected and they know the only reason they are there is for apprences and nothing else I could never be with someone who doesn't respect my peace of mind. It's all I got damn it I may not be as pretty as my sister or my cousins but I damn sure have a lot to say and i'm a hard worker when I put my mind to it nuff said about that. During my birthday weekend I did some crazy things that I wish someone would've taped I got wasted to the point I was dancing with guys I never knew I would dance with. When I heard about it I was in shock b/c I was sooo wasted I can't even remember what happened. But i'm glad I did it because for that moment in time I was free and I didn't care who was around even though I can't remember that was probably one of my most happiest moments. I'm a lot prettier now I know that do I get attention from guys heck yes! lol I love myself now I love my hair, boobs ,nose , eyes everything I eat very healthy, pilates and it's all because I want to do it i'm not doing it for anybody not like the 1 summer where I sturggled with my weight for this nobody LOL. Right now I want to go to the mountains I want to go & see the leaves change I love the fall it's my most favorite time of the year I love it so much and i"m single and loving me.

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