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16.01.10, 9:28

Hey diary,
It's been around my neck hurts probably because of looking @ this little screen. Right now I'm coming to the conclusion I have a slight problem with alcohol b/c every minute I keep thinking about it and I don't know how to just stop thinking about it. This christmas break was a bit crazy first of all my grandfather died. Now he's not my biological grandfather but I was all I had since my biological grandfather is a fuckup and I don't respect him @ all. This break I found out that he definitely was a great man and a lot of people will miss him especially ME. He was a guy that always had a smile on his face and treated us as family. He will always be my grandfather forever. He used to spoil us and give us presents just like regular grandparents. As for my sibling sometimes i don't think I know that person anymore like she's growing up and I don't know how to console her anymore. She has done tons of things that I haven't encountered and I feel like I'm no help anymore. As for me I wanted to open up and just be myself which I have but with the opposite sex it's be quite a drag because I don't know how to approach them I get so nervous and feel like every word that comes out of my mouth needs to be perfect. It sux I hate being a virgo lol. Now with school I feel like it's going to be hella hard but i know i can do it I really don't have any distractions but I have to do superb considering I did very bad last semster. Sometimes I want to yell and Scream @ God so he can tell me what to do. I just need guidance with what I want to do in my life and I just can't seem to figure out what I want to do. I hate it I feel like if I knew what to do I would work really hard at it but I just can't figure it out. IS IT A DOCTOR OR WHAT?? IS ALLL THIS WORK I'M DOING RIGHT NOW A WASTE OF TIME OR AM I DOIN THIS FOR MY FAMILY. becuase I gave up something that I guenually loved and I feel so choked up not being able to act on stage. and now my family is getting all serious about me getting a minor in theater. PARENTS I HAVE A FUCKIN BIO DEGREE TAKE IT LET ME HAVE MY THEATER MINOR plz. Sorry I have a lot of pent up frustration and I just can't tell anyone. I feel so alone sometimes because I don't want to be judged at all I hate that.I like writing in my diary because there is no way this can judge me or respond back to me I like it that way I think. But I feel that in order to develop friendships with ppl I have to actually talk to my friends instead of being the listener.

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