Dear Diary,
today i just finished my first exam as a post-grad and i'm not going to lie to you I proupsely failed and its my fault. To be honest I don't know why I did and what I want to accomplish by doing this but ....I dunno i don't like where my life is at right now and i can't sleep all i want to do is sleep or get away from my current situation and there is not out right now for me. I have to be in the same school that was my undergrad and at the same time see the same faces I just want a new scenery to make me feel like i've accomplished something. u know to live on my own. Yesterday, was my 1 week anniversary of getting my drivers liscense and i realized that everytime I get in the car i'm soooo fuckin nervous and then i think in the back of my head is this normal?? are people usually this nervous when they start to drive sometimes I think the test person shouldn't have given me my lisecne what was he thinkin'. I hate having to grow up....life is hard and I keep fuckin' it up because i'm too stuborn to face reality. Now, I have to I have to get out of here and my current situation is the way it is because i fucked up my college career. instead of making B's i decided not to study hard and earn C's instead. This for me has held me back from my current goal of becoming doctor and now i must swim in my own despair i can't blame anyone but myself and that constantly is being replayed in my head to the fact that i constnatly feel like i have this heavy weight on my chest. I have tried to find other easy ways of getting out of this situation but i can't figure one out. I see my friends getting married, having babies (ect.) and I haven't given up sooo easily that i want to make that my options becuase lets be honest i'm NOT housewife or marriage material. I just got out of the house during college i like my freedom sometimes a little too much. Yesterday I was driving to pay for the phone bill and deicded to call one of my old bosses because I thought she could get me a job in the summa that didn't happen. I felt like my summer was completly demolished .....i don't understand nothing is going the way i want NOTHING and i'm not used to this usually life works for me I get by and now just getting by isn't working for me anymore. So with all this madness I was backing up the car ready to go home immediatly to wallow in my sadness and accidently pressed the gas pedal in reverse to fast and hit a parked car. I"m not gonna lie I panicked I couldn't think (i can't think under pressure) I felt soooooooooo bad yesterday I coudln't think for the rest of the day to the point I didn't even drive to the library like i promised myself to study . I decided to study here and the whole time I kept thinking about that car i hit i hate myself right now that was awful and it was all my fault not i'm really really really scared about driving. I NEED AN OUT fast i can't take it anymore. on top of that i haven't gotten my father to cosign this loan that i need for college ....argh! GOD I'M CRYING OUT I NEED U PLZ I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE IF IT MEANS GOING TO CHURCH EVERYDAY AND READING THE BIBLE LIKE U WANT ME TO DO I'LL DO IT ! I CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU.....i've tried and yet again i've failed. it's werid that when i write in this diary i always feel better like all this anxiety and nervousness has offically gone away i think i can sleep in peace finally. Also i'm going to my friends bday dinner tonight really excited love hanging out with pplz espeically ppl who are doing well in school. I need those ppl to be in my life w/o them i woudln't be where i am.

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