Hey soooooo
it's been the longest since we have chatted it's been about 2 years wow! so much has changed now. Not only did I quit starbucks but now I work in a big girl company where I get the big girl bucks. Applied to several graduate schools and waiting to hear from the replys. Have already been offically rejected by one school which I knew was a high chance of me even making it. I constantly try to keep my thought from overrunning my life and it's really hard. There is this guy I have been trying to forget about and it's terribly hard. He was soooooo nice to me like soooooo nice but my thoughts again krept up like a plague and runied everything. Although he was really busy with other things and was in love with someone else he was so much fun to be around we could talk about anything for like hours and that had never happened to me b4 with anyone that wasn't a platonic friend. did we do things....well....yeah it was nice at first until he started asking me hard questions....questions that I never really think about. Sometimes I look back at the questions he asks and wish I could've of changed them but at the same time I know what I was thinking at the moment and answered them truly. I have yet to actually fall for someone I have exerprienced someone caring for me like really caring for me but it's soooo hard for me to open up and just be myself. I don't know if I have actually done that to anyone really except my cousin and my sister. My other guy friends who know me that well have just hung around me for so long they know how I act but it's me vocally telling them how I feel. Another problem that has risen since I dropped out of grad school is anger and bitterness. I think I could handle that anger that I had but now I think it's just way too much that my brain can't contain all in anymore. It's soooo hard to act normal sometimes when you know it's you that's causing all the problems in your friendships and relationships. I really pray that I get into school go somewhere else and be able to free my mind because I think I'm getting trapped here and I can't take it anymore.
I resorted to drinking, clubbing and guys and all of these things are not squashing the real problem is it's this I'M NOT HAPPY AND I HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY IN A LONG TIME. Its sad to think about it the only time I was truly happy was freshman year I felt utterly free and that was the year my parents were soooo diappointed in me. I feel like my parents have chocked the life out of me and I can't breathe anymore. I don't want to be on my best behavior I want to do me be free. As for guys the idea sounds nice but I honestly want to be back in school and working guys are the last on my list right now although they should be on the backburner because well....times a tickin and i'm not trying to do invitro no sir! I should of gone with my first instinct and that's work for a year and go back to school because this break from school has helped me sooo much as a person in terms of my social attitude on life and people. I don't take them seriously I really don't I don't care about thier feelings just mine and that's really selfish really really selfish. I also say things that later really really hurt ppl now that i'm older and friends start to mean more to you then when you were in college or highschool it's starting to hurt me and that's a breakthru. My feelings are starting to appear out of nowhere and it's all a new experience I would have to say saddness hurts really hurts nowing that you hurt someone really hurts. I'm also learning to apologize like sincerly apologize it's hard at first but i'm starting to get the hang of it. So far I'm still continuing to be hopeful and positive towards the future. As for my current friends I have a sister and cousin it's werid we are born on the same day and it's almost like we share the same brain or something like twins its werid. anyway I want her to be happy too but the way she's going about it is completely wrong. She's soooo much better than what she thinks and needs to act accordingly. I realized what you present to men is what they will take you for.

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