Why do i try with ppl who don't take my feeling seriously. Sooooooo lemme tell you about bigE ....I was angry at him for some time about him himulating me infront of my friends by walking out with some other girl I really hated him and I needed for him to know. I cared for him very much although i didn't really let it show because i was dumb, naive and let my friends talk me into not confessing or showing that I loved him in anyway. I move back from my school back to home and i bump into his cousin and bro ...I was cool calm collected I mean I thought about them from time to time but not enough to lement. Then after sometime bigE decides to text me I was soooo fuckin' confused because I thought he wasn't interested in me because well yea. Anyways i go out with him I have a couple of drinks and as he drops me off one thing led to another and there is something about him that brings the inner freak in me I don't know why but with him I just go crazy. Anywayz after that I just blurted out to him how I felt about him and how he treated me wrong for something I still to this day dont' know I did!!!! Now I know it was a lot and I can be really intense but he just was in shock he didn't know what to do told me that he should've never called me which just made me feel soooooo low .....lower than low then he said we need to take it slow .....look im in my late twenties all my friends have someone and I just feel like I deserve love just like everyone else I mean Ive done the right things getting a degree, working, good to my parents WHY NOT ME!!! Anywayz just a week ago he was trying to text me and know he doesn't text me at all. I just want someone who can take on my intensity I hate being hurt by niggas who feel they can just manipulate me and my feelings. I don't tend to show my feelings to just anyone and I can't believe that I let him in to my lIFE ONCE AGAIN AND HE SHOT ME DOWN AGAIN! I hate him i don't think i've hated anyone in my life as much as him. He deserves everything that he gets , he's miserable becuase he won't open up and allow a realtionship to take place me on the other hand I"m ready I can do it just give me that challange even though he is my first love i have to let him go. I never knew that I could love and hate someone as much as him. everytime he treats me like shit I always hope that one day he will pick me, treat me right and say what i've always wanted to hear but I just gotta leave that to the birds. the only thing I hope is i don't want this bitterness to set in again . I felt so free and calms that past copuple of days but now that I know what I know i feel like I really need to find myself ....I really need to fix myself. I don't like what I feel and I don't like what I see. It's killing me and I just want to be free I want to be the girl that was there b4 bigE. I want to be independt and see myself as someone who can do anything without someone. Although it's soooo great to have someone if someone can't take my personality and flaws because of what tradition has told them. I just need to give up on love completely maybe its not for every girl. Maybe some girls are just too hard and complex to love that maybe me and I have to get used to it.I'm sooo sick of crying for someone who doesn't cry for me who doesn't pine for me I can't anymore. I just can't I thought he could handle it and he can't and I can't deal with it anymore I want someone to love me for me and I want to finally be open with someone.

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