Omgaww I'm 30 someone pinch me! At first when i woke up i wanted to feel different as if now i really don't give a fuck about what ppl think of me or where i should be in life and in reality it was quite the opposite. I felt like I wasted my 20s on fuckboys, failures and festivities. But in a way I wouldn't take it back because i fucked up, dusted myself off and tried again. While i had invited a ton of ppl i wondered wooow by now i would've thought i would have a guy that would've set up my party. Hell there have been a ton of guys the past couple of months that said they would host my party but when i talked to them about after a couple of weeks they just forgot. I love my sister to death even though she's living her life she still is able to be there for her 30 something sister. I loved my party for the most part ppl showed up even if it was almost an hour away for some folks. It was a mixtue of old n new friends and i loved it. Even my fmr lover showed up and i was soooo happy to see him.......when I'm with him i just feel like i can breathe......but he's not mine he will never be n i can accept that now but for the first time in my life i could just be friends with him.......but he didn't really wanna be friends just lovers and so we just don't talk anymore. There was another one who came to my party and i thought honestly he wouldn't show up he's personally not the type of guy i go for but he's fun and i enjoy his company because he brings out my spontaneous side. We hooked up a couple of times but due to the timing of it all i stopped it because i didn't feel like it was real. I felt as if it was an experiment or something. Anywho it's werid because he went from someone i used to look at n be i would never.......to constantly thinking about him n it drives me bonkers. I mean its nutz he hasn't given me anykind of idea or inkling he's interested in my at first i just thought he was one of those ppl that like to be surrounded by pretty ppl to fit his social image but now it's almost like he craves my acceptance or something hmmmm can't figure him out although he THINKS he knows me BALONI! He's a man hoe right now bcuz i still think he's getting over something or has come to the conclusion that it might not work out for him. I believe he's a cool guy selfish as hell n my have some form of peter pan syndrome but he means well. There are times i just wanna hold him tight and there are times i just wanna choke him. But overall , my bday was good have finally realized to black don't crack n I'm still hella hot.Gonna slow down on the parties n drinking now and just focus on me and the future i want for myself. I love me and now that I'm 30 this is all I'm ever gonna get gut n all. I only treasure the friends that i recieve love back and leave the rest to the wolves. I also gotta find my happiness n by golly i will. I deserve a relationship with a man who respects me , shouts my name from the rootops , feels like i give thier life some type of meaning. I don't have time for the bullshit n lies n games over it!

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