<< Shadow work day 1 : How do you feel about your childhood? >>
17.01.22, 11:56

Well let me see
Early days I will be honest I didn't have without I was feed, cleaned & cared for. As I got a little older I started to notice early signs that my mother was not happy and my dad was rarely around. Dad not being around didn't bother me because I always knew he was come back and honestly mom was always there so I felt like we really didn't need him in a sense. For me my father was fun times almost like santa clause. Everytime he was a round he would bring ppl and they would drink , dance & party and my mom would smile cook and be a good hostess. It wasn't until later I noticed that my mother never liked people coming over and I know why. But back to MY childhood. It was fun in the early days. Went to an elementary school that was pretty mixed but I lived in a neighborhood was was by the time I was leaving get more predominantely black which of course I couldn't really tell the difference becuase I was black and I wasn't clocking those kinds of things. I would say that I started to really encounter I would say my inner self when I started going to preschool. I went to an all white preschool and it was southern baptist. I hated it I hated everyting about it from the early morning patriotic mantras we would have to say and the nasty snacks & food they provided. Honestly, I saw them as nothing as a human beings & my utter confidence is what made the teachers really step back and pause about how they were going to handle me. I went to a private preschool so at the same time they had to cater to me if they wanted my mom to keep paying those checks. I also noticed my sense of fashion too I love skin I always have I loved to dance and sing & shout & just be loud because that's who I am. My mother used to let us choose which outfits she would make for us and I kid you not if it was pants I would go for it but if it was a belly top or something showing off some kinda skin I would go for it My teachers couldn't contain so they just let me be till graduation. I don't remember really irritating my other classmates but I remember the energy of the teachers and I know it was mainly because I was black & a paying customer. After preschool I started going to public school where all my on-the-job training began this is when I first started bullying. To be honest it was an unusal experience because I was the only one that I knew to be one there so because I was new people started to bully me & I was the small, short on so I was easy pickings for some odd reason it started to hit me that I was being bullied and my parents almost didn't care like it wasn't a big deal that's when I started to feel I have to defend myself.Just having all of these feelings of pain and my parents not even wanting to listen to what was going on in my life made me feel like I wasn't a human being and sometimes really painful because I didn't know what to do & I believe that is when I first started to fragment. I couldn't be that little playful, loud , kind girl anymore I had to be brave & yell & shout to get all of these people off of my back. So to sum up my childhood was it positive or negative I would say physically +++ emotionally --- I don't believe I was listened to or even really loved unless I did something in return.

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