Hello again,
Sooooo it's hard for me to sleep just not sure where my life is going at this point I just know I need to grow the fuck up. My mother made it clear to me that as a 30 year old I need to get my shit together and that's the truth I really do I wanna live in my own place, I try to dodge my college loans and I have a credit card bill just lingering on my neck! Yeaaa got another job doesn't start for another month or so super excited. and yesterday one of my coworkers was out and I had to do a lot of work but I talked to my boss and she was very responsive to my delimmas at work that made me feel good. Now I"m just counting the days when I tell them I'm leaving and/or moving on up to what I really wanna do which is a CRA or buisness school. The main reason I'm awake right now is because my friend just graduated from a really good school and I wanted to help plan her graduation party low n behold my ex still continues to be in my space because his chic may possibly be a speaker . it's hard to let go and give it to God but I have to in this situation because my I'm not happy and I really want it I need to find it again. Acceptance has never been my strength and in this case it looks like I just have to accept the fact that he has moved on I shouldn't care about the fact of wether he played me or her or just me! but just the fact that it wasn't meant to be and remember that I'm the one who dumped him first. So in reality it's my fault but hey! I don't want a guy that doesn't want me and I just want someone who wants me I want someone who wants to be with me and can handle my dealings. I want someone who is kind and ambitious and tells me things straight. There is this guy I've always thought he was cute but I never thought he was really interested in me and last weekend we were making out and making out and making out. I'm not gonna lie I really wanted to fuck him but I didn't . He kept going on about how wet I was but I stopped him everytime and I felt bad about it but I really don't wanna fuck ppl anymore who JUST wanna fuck I want something more than that. I know he recently broke up with a girl and is just playing around but I'm soooo over that shit. I just wanna settle with someone and work together to get our lives together ya know? There is so much that I need to do and I need to start checking things off my list slowly. But year I NEED TO BE HONEST WITH PPL EVEN IF IT MEANS SOME PPL CAN'T BE APART OF MY LIFE ANYMORE . Some ppl are only meant for a season not a lifetime and that's what I keep forgetting. it's hard to let go I'm not gonna lie. Honestly, I like this dude but I asked him at the club if he saw me as more as a friend and he said no so for the first time in my life I'm gonna take it as that upfront because if I had really listened to my ex and what he was telling me I wouldn't have kept going back because of what I wanted to hear. He is not interested in me he just wants to fuck me yes we did make out but he just wants to fuck n me I want more. As for my ex I'm happy he found somebody I know he never thought that someone would actually wanna be with him in that capacity and accept all his flaws and i"m not gonna lie I kinda fed on that but I can say this if there is somebody out there for him and then there is definitely someone out there for me .....WHERE THE FUCK IS HE??

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