okay just realized it's almost been a whole year since I have wrote in my diary. It's been a whirlwind and yet I was looking at my old posts and found out that I was still hanging around the same niggaz that I have allowed to linger in my lyfe and for that I"m sorry NOni. First and foremost I've been very negative and rude I"ve tried to date and it's sooo hard to date out of my culture because I've never seen it working. on top of that WHO THE FUCK AM I??? I"m not one particular thing so it's hella hard I seriously blame my parents like did they really feel like this was all gonna work out. I"m not gonna lie i'm hopeless that someone is out there for me that someone isn't going to hurt me that someone is not going to like what they see. Do I love myself .....i'm starting to believe on some days I do and on some days I don't. I also believe that when I encounter a potential there's a little voice inside of me that believes I'm not worth anything I"m too different to understand. I'm too different on the way I care and want to be loved but I crave it so much. I am different I've known it my whole life but i love it it's not boring. I've realized that in all the relationships I've had I've had to leave and have my alone time because I had to watch anime or read a self-help book or just be me for a little bit. That's it I've never been myself with any significant other I get scared and just fall into the background. I"m not going to do that again if I don't mesh with you I just don't mesh with you. It's because of the way I look I"m cute I look like I should be a socialite a part of the popular crowd but I"m not them , I will never be them it's fun for the moment but I"m not them. I"m not that shallow I like deeper things I love to go outdoors and just be apart of nature. I forgive the following ppl
Big E
Sloppy J
J
V
Mum
Sis
Dad
Ved
Manny
and in return I must remember that in times I have also done shitty things to you. But mostly I forgive all the people that made fun of me in school , the girls that bullied me everyday like it was a religion. To my mother for ignoring everything I wanted to to do in life because she knew what was best. For Dad for not saying a word and being a little sneaky ass bitch! The the person I forgive the most is Me...I forgive myself for allowing those kids to control my life and making it miserable, I forgive myself for not running when Big E didn't want to cement what we had and for not giving him what he wanted for his bday, I forgive myself with Sloppy J when I would maliciously leave him alone when he needed someone or deciding to side with my friend when he never asked much but just for me to be there for his bday and for not leaving when I knew he wasn't into me. I forgive myself with Sis to make a decision btw her man and I for making her feel like shit when ppl want her attn and not mine for when she's so happy about the way she looks and I don't give a fuck because I'm not happy with myself. I forgive myself for allowing to give myself so quickly to a guy that is still in love with someone else. I forgive you NONI I love you we all make mistakes and I"m the one who has allowed all these things to happen and I need to stop. I need to start putting up boundaries and not feel bad about it because at the end of the day it's my heart that i"m protecting and no one elses.

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