hey this is Esther again you know that whole big plan thing i was talking about in the pervious section yeah it sux really sux i try and try and try to get it all together but i can't just yesterday i go a 20 on my quiz for environmental science and that was b/c i hadn't gone to one of the classes b/c i was drinking now i just failed my chemistry skills test b/c i totally blanked out on the calculation part I JUST DON'T GET IT how come nothing comes to me like other people i want to be extremely good at something i want to know that this is what i want to do with the rest of my life. God i want to find a really good friend that i can tell everything too and you know what hurts me the most it's the fact that when i came out of that lab i didn't feel stupid i didn't feel bad i only feel bad b/c i'm afriad of what my parents are going to do to me once they find out i failed miserably on my skills test GOD WHY I DON'T GET IT WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME AM I NOT SUPPOSED TO GO TO COLLEGE OR WHAT WHY CAN'T YOU TELL ME ANYTHING ANYMORE God used to a long time ago there are only two instances where i knew he was talking to me and since i fel back into sin he has never talked to me since and i don't know why i've felt lost without him for a very long time i don't know what to do with myself anymore i just feel like doing the ultimate sin sometimes and i can't help feeling that way becuase i feel like i'm sooo bad to the point that he dosen't want to talk to me anymore. WHY GOD WHY MUST YOU LEAVE ME ALONE I WANT YOU BACK PLEASE TAKE ME IN I DON'T WANT TO LIVE BY MYSELF ANYMORE i don't have the best friends in the world and i know if i talk to them about this they wouldn't know what to say because they are all hypocrites you know what I'M A HYPOCRITE that's it and the fact is GOD KNOWS that i know i am a hypocrite he knows that once i do all these bad things i'll go back to him on my knees wanting him back and NOW I KNOW that even though i will come back to him with the constant reminder of all the bad things i have done and i know that now i now know that i have to let go of everything that i'm doing he knows that it's going to be hard for me to let go of all the bad things that i do because i have been doing for a long time. BUT LORD TELL ME THIS why can't i concentrate on things for a long time why do always want a boyfriend why do i need to wear the best clothes ???? GOD IS THIS A GAME DO YOU LIKE IT WHEN US HUMANS HAVE ALL THESE PROBLEMS i don't understand will i ever understand because i don't GOD KNOWS that i didn't want to go to this college and i feel right now that there is no way i can get out of this college becuase of my bad grades at the moment but LORD do i really have to have no life to raise my grades i thought in order to celebrate the benefits of being one of your chosen creatures is to live life?? What do i know i have messed up bad i never read the bible and take drugs i almost had sex with a guy that i have never even had a realtionship with. Most of my friendships are built on lies and i constantly hate lying about everything in my life. i don't like have poor grandparents while other grandparents spoil thier grandchildren i don't like having parents looking down at me for quitting piano because I DIDN'T LIKE IT!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT'S ONE THING I DON'T FORGIVE AND THAT'S THE FACT THAT I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT BECAUSE I QUIT PIANO AND MY PERFECT SISTER IS MOZART!!!! GoD i love you and you know that if i had to die for you i would a million times because you gave me life to live you got me to one of the best universities in the country , you gave me two parents that give me everything they can, GOD YOU GAVE ME A FATHER that didn't leave me and isn't going to give up on me because he sees the big picture , you gave me my best friend and not only that but she lives with me and we've been brought up together ever since , lord gave me a culture that i'm very proud of , lord you gave me the chance to see my grandparents and learn where they came from and what they did to get my parents out of a corrupted third world country , you gave me sight, you gave me the skills to type this journal entry , you gave me the skills to pass high school, you gave me some purses that i wanted you have me feet, you gave me a pretty face and deep brown eyes you gave me a lot LORD I don't know why i complain about things that you have given me more tenfold !! LORD i love you i always love you and I'll try to do what you have put me on this earth to do but the fact is that i don't know why you put me on this earth is it to save it??? There was one time where i went to this lady and she told me that i was going to be something significant is that true ??? I don't want to base my life on it if it is a lie. Lord give me the strength not to bounce back into sin and lord ...... i love you

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