Hey Hey
it's been a very long time since i've made my last entry. Soooo here it goes. Currently, i'm thinking about my previous hookups ( i would say even though i secretly started to have feelings for them) last year. One of them I consider my first because the person I gave my virginity too wasn't so much of a guy i wanted to get in a realtionship with I just needed to be popped before I became an old maid. This second guy that I came across met me at a place were I was at my darkest. I felt stagnat, stuck and very low about myself. He always made me laugh and we would have conversations about everything he was almost my best friend in a sense. and occsaionally we would bang. Although I knew the banging wasn't up to what I wanted I loved hanging around him and talking about everything. He wasn't really close with a lot of my friends so he was my away confi'dant or almost my therapist. He got me through my shitty work scehdule and I will always remember him for that. I realized in the beginning he was head over heels in love with me but because I was sooo depressed I really couldn't see it and my brain got in the way with things which it usually does. It ended pretty bad like all of my wannabe FWB's and now he doesn't speak to me anymore....it makes me sad it's almost like a piece of my heart is not there anymore. It's sooo funny because I have another FWB relationship and it's amazing probably the best banging i'm ever going to have in my life. the only hard part of it is i gave it up the first time we started talking. Although I got what was lacking in my first FWB, his life is sooo complicated then mine. First of all, he has 2 baby mamas and 3 children now that i see it in print it makes it totally worse. It's sooo hard for me to wish that none of those things bother me but it does and the banging that was once exciting and thrilling has now become a chore that my body needs on a weekly basis. I try to hide my shame but honestly I hate being alone anymore. I think whatever piece of my heart that my first FWB has i've been trying to get it back but now I know it can never be repleaced. Sex is a real thing everytime you do it something is taken from you. I constantly come up with reasons or scenarios of how to dump this guy but it's soooo hard he keeps pulling me back in. But just like in March how i'm gonna get back on my fittness/wellness grind i'm gonna have to dump him then. I can't do it anymore it hurts to much and i'm slowly turning into someone I think is disgusting. As for my 2 best friends they are in realtionships as dysfuntional as they are I envy them i'm not gonna lie. I've always been the single one and sometimes I wonder when my prince is going to appear. He might not be where I am but I haven't had one guy at my level want me more than just a hookup. I need some serious confidence boosting or training of some kind becasue I don't know where I lost it. I miss the old me ....I want the old me back....is it still there? I always have this dream where I'm sooooo happy and realxed I'm near the docks with my boat and some friends drinking and watching the fireworks. I always have this dream and can't seem to shake it off. I hope one day that I do have something like that.

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